Absense

I suppose I should actually write something here regardless of still working on the website, huh.
I did leave pretty abruptly and then just as abruptly stopped posting on other social medias as well.
Most of this is really negative, as a forewarning. There's talk of fire and abuse.

> Websites

Deviant Art
Wix will never have my support after what they continue to pull on their users.
From the Ecl*pse update to their A*I generator opting every artist including deceased into it for training purposes.

Twitter
M*sk.. I honestly hope he takes a trip in a submarine soon. I hated being on twitter because it was a pressure to socialize to be seen. Now I just hate twitter because it's a sh*tshow.
I stopped posting and being active the moment he came in, however I lurked around to see the dumpster fire. And it really just is a disaster every other day there.

Instagram
*rubs her forehead* Their new algorithm makes me want to scream. It's hurt so many artists and has put too much pressure on people who just want to be seen.

> Health

Total Conversion Disorder
One day while living in my apartment I started having strange heart problems. Shortly after this I started fainting from just about anything. A day later my legs wouldn't work. I was wheelchair bound and couldn't take care of myself for years.
So what caused it? Stress. I stressed myself out so bad, to my core that everything fell into place

Autism
After decades of struggling to understand why I felt so different, why I felt like I couldn't do things that other "normal people" did- I finally found myself deeply researching autism and feeling familiar with everything I read the more I did so.
I had an extremely difficult time keeping relationships when I made them and this seemed to explain a lot.
My biggest struggle at the moment is understanding if I should get professionally diagnosed now. To my understanding a lot of discrimination comes with the official diagnosis and I could be blocked from moving to different places outside of the US.

The Fire
The storage where I was keeping everything while I was wheel-chair bound, meaning my bed, microwave, all my furniture and irreplacable items caught fire.
I still haven't processed the event. The only thing of real value that I had with me was my laptop.

> Relationships

My Fiance and I Broke Up
We were sitting on almost ten years. I took it pretty hard for a few months but I had already been burned mentally and emotionally too many times.
We tried to stay close for a while but it proved to be problematic.

I Finally Cut Off All Family
When I developed Total Conversion Disorder I couldn't take care of myself anymore and no one would help me so the other side of my family came to get me.
It was okay for a little while but eventually turned into a nightmare again. This was the same family who gave me PTSD in the first place.
I broke when the internet I was paying for to keep me grounded emotionally was taken away from me. Me. A thirty-something year old woman.
I was locked in my room and they would bring the vaccuum nearby my door and leave it there on as loud as possible to draw me out so they could physically and verbally/emotionally abuse me.
I spoke with friends and I was on my last leg- no one would take me- I called a very very very old childhood friend and she came and got me while the family was out of town.
I didn't tell anyone. Noone knew I had left for almost a week- constantly texting my phone before they even knew that I was a horrible daughter and I was abusing them.
However the icing on the cake was that instead of checking on me, instead of knocking on my door, they went and purchased a $300 eviction notice.
That. That made me very happy.
The parental term for the female parent is currently a trigger word for me at the moment- it's been a few months but I still get nervous and sick when I hear it.
I have started using the term "egg donor". She doesn't deserve the other word anymore anyways.
I try not to think or talk about anyone over there anymore.
But not being under her hand anymore for the first time in my life is both scary and relieving.

My Landlady, Who Was Trying to Help Me Financially Until I Could Get To Social Security, Fell For A Romance Scam
Well. I mean. It's really already all right there in the title, right?
She lost $15,000 to a scammer, one that I and her daughter tried to warn her about just a couple weeks beforehand.
Her daughter came and got her from the facility she was living in and is currently trying to make sure she can approve of anything she does with her money from now on.
However it's also left me in a super tough situation in the process : / I can't ease into all of my bills like I was going to attempt to do. I'm unsure if I'll be able to afford groceries after everything is paid- let alone if I can cover all my bills in the first place. I'm terrified.

> The Good Stuff

Total Conversion Disorder Has Subsided
About a week before christmas I was moving myself to get into my wheelchair to go to the restroom and I felt noticeably different- so I slowly pushed myself up into a standing position and waited, listening to my body, ready to grab onto anything I could if I fell. But I didn't. I took my first step, a second, I walked into the hallway. I walked into egg-donor's room and stood there staring at her in shock. She asked "What?" And I pointed up and down from my legs to my head and it took her a moment but she suddenly started yelling from shock lol
It's not entirely gone- sometimes I'll go in to get blood drawn and I'll feel it trying to rush back and I have to remember all the things I used to have to do to stop it before it could finish.
And yes, that does mean that I could very well lose my legs again some day- so I try really hard to keep the stress levels down.

Boyfriend
An old friend and I who used to have huge crushes on eachother but drifted apart over time reconnected. As of now we've been together for four months.
It's been pretty tough though. Knowing now about my autism and us trying to communicate our feelings and thoughts through that is sometimes really hard.
But the worst that's been slapped into all of this is abandonment issues/trust issues from the family I just left.
I know my mental/emotional state is swiss cheese now and I have a lot of recovery to do so I'm really lucky that he understands and is trying to work with me through it all.
However he does have his limits.

> Outro

So am I okay?
Eeeh- I'm trying my best, really. Nothing has really slowed down and I find myself overwhelmed a lot.
Boyfriend helps just by existing and letting me sit with him quietly to playing games and watching movies/shows with me.
I intend on opening commissions and accepting donations via Kofi and wishlist from Throne.
Hopefully that way I'll try to make ends meet and get some of my things back.